oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
