i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
