My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
