My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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