remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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