I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
