Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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