i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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