I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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