I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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