the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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