Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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