Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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