This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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