Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
