First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
