i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
