So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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