So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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