i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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