o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
