Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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