anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
