man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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