Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
