Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
True but thats because hes a fetus.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
