the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
