I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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