Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
