Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You took a bar mat shot.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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