I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
