Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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