Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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