I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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