watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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