my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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