Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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