Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I intend to get homeless drunk
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
