Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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