GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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