What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize