we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
