I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize