I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
