I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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