He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
