I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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