So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
