Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
