I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
