my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
