I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i out mim tonsoeep
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