shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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