Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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