Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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