How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i will never coherently bang her
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
