But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize