So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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